Mr Christmas reckons he does the festivities properly. How do you measure up to our all-time champion of seasonal sparkle and over-indulgence?
Christmas telly fare must involve Bruce Willis as John McLane, Will Ferrell as Buddy, and Macauley Culkin as Kevin McCallister. Ideally in a row. At least ten times.
One must be up and at it, dangling baubles and winding tinsel, the very second Bonfire Night is over. Preferably before.
The Christmas lights must be visible from at least 6 miles away. They must slow traffic. They must frighten small children and animals.
There is no such thing as too many mince pies. And there is nothing more existentially horrifying than a mince pie shortfall.
Plan your attack. Pick your weapons. Choose your country. Then raid those festive markets like an elf possessed.
Let the beardy bloke have your gift list good and early. Otherwise he might forget about you.
One must toil all year long, through heatwaves, floods and acts of god, to ensure one's sprouts are utterly perfect.
Interwhat? Who needs the interweb when there's the Radio Times and a highlighter pen handy?
Your wit might desert you, mid-indulge. Be prepared with pre-written 280-character messages of festive jocosity, banter, drollery and whimsy.
Let nobody within earshot forget that it is Christmas. Not for a second.
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